Emotional hiphop

I remember the first guy I had a serious crush on he was so nice wait scratched that he pretended to be very nice but ended up being a jerk,and he was playing me he tried to scam me and almost got away too.
My next crush was oh so tall and had a buff body an OK face But a steamy sexy body. I was crazy over him but he not so much ( I never knew really couldn't tell the signs ) he later revealed he just wanted a place to stay and free food. He never really cared for me  plus he wanted a white girl to date.
From there on I only had flings nothing serious cause I was scared still scared. Another decent chap I met was so sweet caring infact a match made in heaven but sadly he is married.
So I returned back into my shell, I have a distant relationship but as of this evening not even sure what we are anylonger (he is acting funny cause I did not check up on early enough ) but you know distant relationship can't really be called a relationship cause he is over there am over here what you do with your free time I will never know except what you tell me but to be honest am tired of the relationship we cry more than we laugh today is one story, false  tale or another ( I hate it)
I met another guy recently who first day of introduction goes "oh I am in a complicated relationship so let's be friends I don't want any titled relationship it messes  things up"( plus he has different girls calling up his fone, I asked him if was  serious with any of them he said "no we are just friends  linda makes me feel sane but you drive me crazy " I felt sad I kept wondering if I made all the other guys insane that is why my relationship don't work (am so confused )
So we just hang but nothing serious( but I have decided to stop seeing him not worth the stress really ).  To be honest am SINGLE just SINGLE I don't know if God is punishing me  for some thing I have done because I keep meeting losers.
Even the universe keeps hooking me up with fucked up people am tired. How many frogs do I have to kiss before I eventually meet my prince.....arrgh damn it.
Tonight I took double dose of my drugs because I feel very low I need something to take my emotional pains away.........

Its offical am bored.

Lately I have been meeting horrible horrible men or rather should I say I have poor taste in men period.

Every time I meet a guy who is good looking or drives a fancy car ,he ends up being a jerk. Anyway no point crying over spilled milk.
Moving on, how am I feeling today?  Well not bad but not  great either. I still feel like taking my life. I have been so bored recently that I can't think right. plus I took a double dose of my antidepressants nothing happened I just slept quickly and woke up hungry.
I saw a former colleague of mine from my university days and she got upset because I didn't stay and chat with her? Give it a rest missy ain't nobody got time for that.  It was weird I left her and walked away. Still looking for a better  job and a partner I pray the next guy I meet will be the one. I pray he is rich,caring,presentable, nice,cheerful giver, Godfearing,patient, tall, not yoruba and a psycho. He should love me for me and appreciate me.
I am officially tired,I pray God bless me now or takes my life cause am bored of all this happening. My car is faculty I hope and pray they get it fixed today
In Jesus name amen.

MORNING Reflections

Looking back at my three weeks of being disobedience/ rebel OK whatever  word you choose to call me I would say I slide back into sin with out any effort. I mean I have been trying so hard to get right back with God and all even staying away from bad behavior and for  the past 5 months I was doing great  and I was actually proud of myself. I even volunteered to work in the house of God  and all. Then one unplanned day without out thinking about sex or anything dirty I met a hot guy whom I allowed destroy every damn thing I have worked hard for. At first I fought hard but then my weakness failed me.
I don't even know how am gonna get out of this mess. And I don't even like the guy. Boredom got the best of me.
Recently I am beginning to have suicidial thots. I sometimes imagine myself jumping over a bridge, overdose on meds and even slitting my wrist.
Two things I pray against is getting pregnant, and proverty.
I pray to God right now begging and asking for forgiveness and please give me a better life but heavenly father if you know there is no hope for me please take my life.

Self management

I attended a three day training for women in business and I must confessed I learnt a few new things and also how to better manage my skills.
It is no news that am out spoken not forward or nosey but out spoken and have the ability to make people laugh or cry trust me I have the skills to break any ice . So in other words am a good communicator and also I like to manage people.
Yup learnt all at the training so after each lecture I asked the tutor where they see me and each highlighted my skills and ended up saying HR (human resources)
So I have decided to get into the field starting from tomorrow am going to start an online course on HR it won't be easy but am going to give it a short.
I need to put my scattered skills together and get me a paying proper paying job.
So my  plan for the week is register a HR course. Apply for more jobs,  start jogging again and volunteer.
I will leave men troubles and focus on making my self better. I know I say that a lot but by the hand of God am going to do it.
Am going to write a to do list and focus on achieving it.  Plus I don't like that I have acne scars on some part of my  face so am going to fight on getting a better skin. Meaning no more sugary stuff, milk, rice and bread.  And am gonna jog too.
I pray Jehovah gives me the strength to do all this. I must achieve my goals.