Relationship rant at dawn

Nobody wants to be alone is a common saying in the world that we live in  but does this mean we have to be with some one who doesn't deserve our heart?  A guy /lady who won't sacrifice /inconvenience his/herself for you shouldn't be with you  #FACT.
Sadly a lot of females due to fear of being alone stick to whatever type of guy they get while others because of the stigma of been single (social status ) they get married to whatever man they find. Some people even get married to pictures of people they haven't seen or know and then endure the pain and emotional heartbreaks which includes cheating, beating,sexual neglect just to mention a few.
Gone are the days when our parents and even grandparents marry the love of their lives.
Feminism and the Almighty freedom of expression and gender equality has taken over the world. More people are falling more out of love then in to it #FACT.  Every one (mostly females) wants to wear the pants in the relationship, no one wants to take time to build a solid foundation, like understand your partner no way  some due to age run off to marry any first man that comes asking,then begin to cry when things don't work out.
Recent times people marry for wealth,others to have kids,while some due to peer pressure. You know he sleeps around but yet you agree to marry and have kids. Without thinking of how damaging it would be for the kids.
Today's woman don't mind being a single parent because of the pain their previous relationship caused them.even newly weds get divorced as  quickly as they got hitched  without trying to fix their differences
Infact it is becoming a trend in today's world.
As a sexual blogger, I must confess I have been in the above situation before it happens to the best of us. Meeting and becoming a slave to our fears. How many frogs do I have to kiss before I find my prince?
No one desires to be alone but there is no shame in staying  single and loving yourself until you find that one true honest love the kind that every second makes your heart beat faster.  It is amazing to be with that one special person,starting a family in love and blessings from God is an added advantage. However,alot of people often ask me
How do you know if he or she is the one? 
there is no manual or guide book it just happens and when you do,you will know(yes not good enough but it is the truth )
As an amazing woman who currently is still trying to find herself.I have met a couple of men but non I repeat non has been right for me(not that there is anything wrong with me) I don't have a long list but I do know that I want friendship real friend ship some one I can talk to at 3am,some one who would accept me both in my bad and good days. I am willing to give in my very best 100% and more to make my marriage last.
like i said no one wants to be alone But until then we  must learn new ways to love and improve ourselves..

Emotional hiphop

I remember the first guy I had a serious crush on he was so nice wait scratched that he pretended to be very nice but ended up being a jerk,and he was playing me he tried to scam me and almost got away too.
My next crush was oh so tall and had a buff body an OK face But a steamy sexy body. I was crazy over him but he not so much ( I never knew really couldn't tell the signs ) he later revealed he just wanted a place to stay and free food. He never really cared for me  plus he wanted a white girl to date.
From there on I only had flings nothing serious cause I was scared still scared. Another decent chap I met was so sweet caring infact a match made in heaven but sadly he is married.
So I returned back into my shell, I have a distant relationship but as of this evening not even sure what we are anylonger (he is acting funny cause I did not check up on early enough ) but you know distant relationship can't really be called a relationship cause he is over there am over here what you do with your free time I will never know except what you tell me but to be honest am tired of the relationship we cry more than we laugh today is one story, false  tale or another ( I hate it)
I met another guy recently who first day of introduction goes "oh I am in a complicated relationship so let's be friends I don't want any titled relationship it messes  things up"( plus he has different girls calling up his fone, I asked him if was  serious with any of them he said "no we are just friends  linda makes me feel sane but you drive me crazy " I felt sad I kept wondering if I made all the other guys insane that is why my relationship don't work (am so confused )
So we just hang but nothing serious( but I have decided to stop seeing him not worth the stress really ).  To be honest am SINGLE just SINGLE I don't know if God is punishing me  for some thing I have done because I keep meeting losers.
Even the universe keeps hooking me up with fucked up people am tired. How many frogs do I have to kiss before I eventually meet my prince.....arrgh damn it.
Tonight I took double dose of my drugs because I feel very low I need something to take my emotional pains away.........

Its offical am bored.

Lately I have been meeting horrible horrible men or rather should I say I have poor taste in men period.

Every time I meet a guy who is good looking or drives a fancy car ,he ends up being a jerk. Anyway no point crying over spilled milk.
Moving on, how am I feeling today?  Well not bad but not  great either. I still feel like taking my life. I have been so bored recently that I can't think right. plus I took a double dose of my antidepressants nothing happened I just slept quickly and woke up hungry.
I saw a former colleague of mine from my university days and she got upset because I didn't stay and chat with her? Give it a rest missy ain't nobody got time for that.  It was weird I left her and walked away. Still looking for a better  job and a partner I pray the next guy I meet will be the one. I pray he is rich,caring,presentable, nice,cheerful giver, Godfearing,patient, tall, not yoruba and a psycho. He should love me for me and appreciate me.
I am officially tired,I pray God bless me now or takes my life cause am bored of all this happening. My car is faculty I hope and pray they get it fixed today
In Jesus name amen.

MORNING Reflections

Looking back at my three weeks of being disobedience/ rebel OK whatever  word you choose to call me I would say I slide back into sin with out any effort. I mean I have been trying so hard to get right back with God and all even staying away from bad behavior and for  the past 5 months I was doing great  and I was actually proud of myself. I even volunteered to work in the house of God  and all. Then one unplanned day without out thinking about sex or anything dirty I met a hot guy whom I allowed destroy every damn thing I have worked hard for. At first I fought hard but then my weakness failed me.
I don't even know how am gonna get out of this mess. And I don't even like the guy. Boredom got the best of me.
Recently I am beginning to have suicidial thots. I sometimes imagine myself jumping over a bridge, overdose on meds and even slitting my wrist.
Two things I pray against is getting pregnant, and proverty.
I pray to God right now begging and asking for forgiveness and please give me a better life but heavenly father if you know there is no hope for me please take my life.

Self management

I attended a three day training for women in business and I must confessed I learnt a few new things and also how to better manage my skills.
It is no news that am out spoken not forward or nosey but out spoken and have the ability to make people laugh or cry trust me I have the skills to break any ice . So in other words am a good communicator and also I like to manage people.
Yup learnt all at the training so after each lecture I asked the tutor where they see me and each highlighted my skills and ended up saying HR (human resources)
So I have decided to get into the field starting from tomorrow am going to start an online course on HR it won't be easy but am going to give it a short.
I need to put my scattered skills together and get me a paying proper paying job.
So my  plan for the week is register a HR course. Apply for more jobs,  start jogging again and volunteer.
I will leave men troubles and focus on making my self better. I know I say that a lot but by the hand of God am going to do it.
Am going to write a to do list and focus on achieving it.  Plus I don't like that I have acne scars on some part of my  face so am going to fight on getting a better skin. Meaning no more sugary stuff, milk, rice and bread.  And am gonna jog too.
I pray Jehovah gives me the strength to do all this. I must achieve my goals.

WORD OF THE DAY=Openminded.

Tonight went out for drinks with my friend and met his other friends it was quite enhanting.
We all have one thing in common, WE ALL WANT BETTER PAY.
One of the girl's Annabel gave me a tip and is been open minded. To want something from life one needs to be open minded. Because usually  what we want or think we need might not be suitable enough for us.  We need to aim higher and be open to new ideas for example;  I usually apply for personal assistant jobs and customer service jobs but I usually see administrative roles and management roles too but never apply for them.  But looking at what the job entails are often similar or related to personal assistant and customer service jobs so why can't  I be open minded and apply for them instead of limiting my self to just one role.
At the end of the day it all boils down to how fast or easy I can learn on the job.  So am taking the bull by the horn and applying for more roles that I am sure I can carry out the responsibility.
Thus I have decided to be open-minded when applying for jobs and also I have decided to once in a while hang out so I can meet people of which we could all encourage one another. Meanwhile I drove home late today 10.pm not bad at all .I use to be scared of driving late nights but am being open -minded and will be going out more (when I get paid tho)
It's not easy to get to the top but by God am gonna get there simple!

JOGGING FROM DEPRESSION

I wake up as early as 5am sometimes before 5 to get ready for jogging at 6. Or 6.15am. I do this because it keeps me from worrying over my failures yes hate to say it but I have failed my self. I use to dream big and wish to have a fabulous job married and all but dear blog it was just  a fantasy.
Am super single,broke and working for a company that hasn't paid me for ages.
My birthday is in less than three days and what I really want is a job or business that will fetch me money and a relationship that would lead to marriage  .am not 20 or 16 for Christ sakes am in my 30's I need to have my life together.
So I jog when am jogging I don't think of my problems, I feel free but once I have reached the finish line my burden comes rising. I feel the weight on my shoulders.
Since they have stopped paying me at work I have decided to go just twice a week, volunteer once a week, Christian service activity once a week at least by doing all these activities it will keep me busy so that I don't get depressed.
I wonder why God doesn't want to bless me now?  I have faith that he can, cause he created me but at least Jehovah should please wipe away my sorrows.
I have decided to write when ever I get  low as a depressed person I cry a lot so when ever I feel the signs coming I will just write my feelings down.
Dear universe please grant me my heart desire turn my state of poverty in to wealth please.  Elevate me from this suffering it is too much for me please.

SONG OF SADNESS

Am so lonely and feel un- accomplished.  I can't believe I have almost all the degrees in education and yet can't get a good paying job or afford to start up a bizness. All the men chasing me are married super married and if not married in a seriously relationship and only want to fuck me,even the honest single ones I don't like. I use to think I was created for a purpose but now am not so sure. I hate my life I wish I can just go and die right now and all the pain will go away.
It Hurts me that am trying to be faithful yet God doesn't want to bless me now I know they say miracles happen but why can't  my miracle happen now.
I want I want a Better life now not next five years but now how long do I have to wait and keep waiting.
My peers are doing fabulously well but me I can't even hold a day well it is so Unfair.
Change my story God , this is not what you planned for me grant me my wishes this not how it is suppose to be.  Make me better I know u can do it don't wait till am old do it for me now today or take my  soul because I have nothing left to live for...  ..