My God is unmatched

Whenever I'm emotionally down (which is becoming a regular feeling ),I type embryo

and watch Jehovah’s creation in 3d.

It's amazing ! Jehovah talent is unmatched. None comes close to our God . Immediately, my spirit is lifted and I sing my heart out to God.

So many emotions 😪 currently.  Sometimes I asked my mum if you are still in there? What if I was just imagining 😳 oh well tomorrow  will tell.

I'm  excited ...I hope I get to be a yummy mummy 

Emotional turmoil

I woke up with my tummy twisting and turning . It hurts and I'm crying ,I don't care that I'm way past 27years heck I'm fucking 30years old and heart break still hurts.
I keep asking myself what am I doing? I once dated a guy that promised me heaven on earth he didn't have much and I didn't care. He quit smoking for me(or so I thought),he even cut his afro off for me .
Few months later he began to get angry and started locking his fone . I asked him what the problem was he started to complain about money and how his boss wasn't paying him as at when due, I use to encourage him to be patient and that soon things will turn out fine. I supported him with the little I had and I showered him with love. It was so obvious that he had gotten into me. He had his clothes at mine , toothbrush ,his sporting waves cream at mine and fone charger too. We took our bath together, we borrowed each other's clothes, he called regularly when he gets to work ,on his lunch break and days when he won't be staying over it was super real for me . We did everything together went to the cinema, market and sometimes when I'm running late he would come pick me up we were on a roll.
After a few months things were not the same, for instance,he would disappear from me for days without a word and when he came back he would ask for forgiveness and blame it on the fact that he didn't have money,it hurt but I had no option than to forgive him. Then he became greedy and started asking for stuff that I didn't have like money to buy clothes or fone he even went as far as suggesting I give him my own fone claiming his fone got stolen. Even sex which was an every other day affair became a once in month routine but did that reduce my love for him ? Nope! It took the grace of God and the help of one of my boys assisting me to realize he was deceiving me.
To be loved by some one is beautiful to care for some one is amazing(I'm glad I got the chance to experience it) I remember counting the time from 4.30pm till 6.pm for him to arrive back from work.6pm strikes and he would be walking thru my gate and I would jump on him and we would kiss for minutes then he would sit with me and tell me how his day went and I would do the same.
He use to beg me not to leave him that if I did he would kill the guy I leave him for.
We use to go for events together and people will stare and be wondering what she saw in him because it was like the beauty and the beast and we all know who the beast was... but I threw caution to the wind. I was in love but did I ever stop to ask or even reason if he loved me back as much as I did?
I loved him because he was calm n patient with me and always there to assist me with work.
Till date I kept wondering why he changed and I came to a conclusion that perhaps my love was too much for him. He was not fully educated but had a decent job . His English language both written and spoken was worse than Lagos road in raining season.
He wore fake gold chain that washed away faster then the beach washes off the sand, his teeth was thick with plague but I didn't notice all of these but even if I did I didn't care and I bought the best of toothpaste which got rid of the plague. I bought him regularly body spray and bath gel which got rid of his "eau de smoked fish slash engine fume parfum."
When you are in love you really never care about appearance or little dirty habits you just throw yourself in regardless.
I took making him over as a project for me and my, did I do a good job. He glowed like the sun and was always happy he confessed to me loads of times and every one complimented his new look I was working on getting him to stop wearing fake gold which he has to keep changing every 3days before he ghosted me.
Since he left, I felt an empty space inside of me and keep praying God fills it up and heals me .
I'm not your regular writer but when I'm super stressed I write my pain, or joy
Do I miss him? sure I do daily ! will i get over him? yes! will love again? sure when the time is RIGHT for now I'm just a walking zombie...
Once again the results are as follows
A=0, Village people = 100

Heartbroken

I know it is wrong  to get use to pain but I can officially announce that I'm use to heartbreak.
I have been in a long distance relationship for over 3yrs, yes I love him ,Yes am waiting for him and yes I still see other guys (because it gets lonely)
Recently, I noticed he is becoming arrogant for instance, when he gets me upset he won't try to calm me down instead he would try to argue on who is right and wrong.
He knows am bipolar but for some reason he tries to do things to trigger me .
I don't believe in hurting a person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with.
It's so sad.
I kept calling him  throughout yesterday he kept giving excuses "am in a meeting let me call you when am done".
After ignoring my calls he sent me a message saying "baby "
I got pissed for crying out loud I called your number loads of time the least you can do is call back.
His excuse was that "he followed his friend to go and buy food for his wife and not take his fone"
I was sad and upset. I told him off but he never appologized he  called back to justify why he missed my calls. I cut him short because his lies was just too painful .
In all of this he never sincerely appologize, he was arrogant and was willingly to argue rather than make peace.
I feel emotionally down, I pray almighty God gives me a guy that will love me and help me get better. I don't see any wrong in saying sorry and mean it.
I believe when you love a person you don't constantly hurt them.
Am not giving up on love , am going to get my prince charming.some one who will be sincere and not try to hurt me constantly
I know he is out there......

Relationship rant at dawn

Nobody wants to be alone is a common saying in the world that we live in  but does this mean we have to be with some one who doesn't deserve our heart?  A guy /lady who won't sacrifice /inconvenience his/herself for you shouldn't be with you  #FACT.
Sadly a lot of females due to fear of being alone stick to whatever type of guy they get while others because of the stigma of been single (social status ) they get married to whatever man they find. Some people even get married to pictures of people they haven't seen or know and then endure the pain and emotional heartbreaks which includes cheating, beating,sexual neglect just to mention a few.
Gone are the days when our parents and even grandparents marry the love of their lives.
Feminism and the Almighty freedom of expression and gender equality has taken over the world. More people are falling more out of love then in to it #FACT.  Every one (mostly females) wants to wear the pants in the relationship, no one wants to take time to build a solid foundation, like understand your partner no way  some due to age run off to marry any first man that comes asking,then begin to cry when things don't work out.
Recent times people marry for wealth,others to have kids,while some due to peer pressure. You know he sleeps around but yet you agree to marry and have kids. Without thinking of how damaging it would be for the kids.
Today's woman don't mind being a single parent because of the pain their previous relationship caused them.even newly weds get divorced as  quickly as they got hitched  without trying to fix their differences
Infact it is becoming a trend in today's world.
As a sexual blogger, I must confess I have been in the above situation before it happens to the best of us. Meeting and becoming a slave to our fears. How many frogs do I have to kiss before I find my prince?
No one desires to be alone but there is no shame in staying  single and loving yourself until you find that one true honest love the kind that every second makes your heart beat faster.  It is amazing to be with that one special person,starting a family in love and blessings from God is an added advantage. However,alot of people often ask me
How do you know if he or she is the one? 
there is no manual or guide book it just happens and when you do,you will know(yes not good enough but it is the truth )
As an amazing woman who currently is still trying to find herself.I have met a couple of men but non I repeat non has been right for me(not that there is anything wrong with me) I don't have a long list but I do know that I want friendship real friend ship some one I can talk to at 3am,some one who would accept me both in my bad and good days. I am willing to give in my very best 100% and more to make my marriage last.
like i said no one wants to be alone But until then we  must learn new ways to love and improve ourselves..

Emotional hiphop

I remember the first guy I had a serious crush on he was so nice wait scratched that he pretended to be very nice but ended up being a jerk,and he was playing me he tried to scam me and almost got away too.
My next crush was oh so tall and had a buff body an OK face But a steamy sexy body. I was crazy over him but he not so much ( I never knew really couldn't tell the signs ) he later revealed he just wanted a place to stay and free food. He never really cared for me  plus he wanted a white girl to date.
From there on I only had flings nothing serious cause I was scared still scared. Another decent chap I met was so sweet caring infact a match made in heaven but sadly he is married.
So I returned back into my shell, I have a distant relationship but as of this evening not even sure what we are anylonger (he is acting funny cause I did not check up on early enough ) but you know distant relationship can't really be called a relationship cause he is over there am over here what you do with your free time I will never know except what you tell me but to be honest am tired of the relationship we cry more than we laugh today is one story, false  tale or another ( I hate it)
I met another guy recently who first day of introduction goes "oh I am in a complicated relationship so let's be friends I don't want any titled relationship it messes  things up"( plus he has different girls calling up his fone, I asked him if was  serious with any of them he said "no we are just friends  linda makes me feel sane but you drive me crazy " I felt sad I kept wondering if I made all the other guys insane that is why my relationship don't work (am so confused )
So we just hang but nothing serious( but I have decided to stop seeing him not worth the stress really ).  To be honest am SINGLE just SINGLE I don't know if God is punishing me  for some thing I have done because I keep meeting losers.
Even the universe keeps hooking me up with fucked up people am tired. How many frogs do I have to kiss before I eventually meet my prince.....arrgh damn it.
Tonight I took double dose of my drugs because I feel very low I need something to take my emotional pains away.........

Its offical am bored.

Lately I have been meeting horrible horrible men or rather should I say I have poor taste in men period.

Every time I meet a guy who is good looking or drives a fancy car ,he ends up being a jerk. Anyway no point crying over spilled milk.
Moving on, how am I feeling today?  Well not bad but not  great either. I still feel like taking my life. I have been so bored recently that I can't think right. plus I took a double dose of my antidepressants nothing happened I just slept quickly and woke up hungry.
I saw a former colleague of mine from my university days and she got upset because I didn't stay and chat with her? Give it a rest missy ain't nobody got time for that.  It was weird I left her and walked away. Still looking for a better  job and a partner I pray the next guy I meet will be the one. I pray he is rich,caring,presentable, nice,cheerful giver, Godfearing,patient, tall, not yoruba and a psycho. He should love me for me and appreciate me.
I am officially tired,I pray God bless me now or takes my life cause am bored of all this happening. My car is faculty I hope and pray they get it fixed today
In Jesus name amen.

MORNING Reflections

Looking back at my three weeks of being disobedience/ rebel OK whatever  word you choose to call me I would say I slide back into sin with out any effort. I mean I have been trying so hard to get right back with God and all even staying away from bad behavior and for  the past 5 months I was doing great  and I was actually proud of myself. I even volunteered to work in the house of God  and all. Then one unplanned day without out thinking about sex or anything dirty I met a hot guy whom I allowed destroy every damn thing I have worked hard for. At first I fought hard but then my weakness failed me.
I don't even know how am gonna get out of this mess. And I don't even like the guy. Boredom got the best of me.
Recently I am beginning to have suicidial thots. I sometimes imagine myself jumping over a bridge, overdose on meds and even slitting my wrist.
Two things I pray against is getting pregnant, and proverty.
I pray to God right now begging and asking for forgiveness and please give me a better life but heavenly father if you know there is no hope for me please take my life.